The word is out on the most dangerous neighborhood in all Miami-Dade: Kendall.
The Internet has just discovered that former professional baseball star and JLo arm piece Alex Rodriguez, best known by his Kendall street name A-Rod, laid it all out in an interview on the Pivot podcast. He told viewers he grew up in the gritty, census-designated area where opposing tribes at the Chick-fil-A on North Kendall Drive battled for respect and Polynesian sauce and shoppers fight over who gets to park closest to the DSW entrance, even though there are tons of spaces.
“Let me bring it back a little bit to where I grew up, right here in the hood,” A-Rod said in his quest to let people know he did not grow up in Cocoplum, though he probably owns it now. “A neighborhood called, ah, Kendall.”
Ah, Kendall. At that point, every living human between Delray Beach and Key West started laughing and hasn’t stopped. It is true that many residents believe Kendall is the Paris of the swamp. But we know better. We have long gazed warily at the treacherous strip malls with their frantic parking lots, where you could be easily run over by an SUV with an “I am MDC” sticker or arrive at Kohl’s for a sale without enough Kohl’s cash.
Read more: Is Kendall the most underrated area of Miami-Dade? Here’s what the haters are missing
We strive to avoid the warring factions in the ongoing East vs. West Kendall gastronomic beef as the unruly culinary gangs roam 152nd Street in leased BMWs, Ghee’s Dadeland Boyz to the east, Empanada Harry’s Kings to the west. And we are not sure we can handle all this Kendall smoke and by smoke we mean Smoke & Dough, because when we go there we eat so much barbecue we can’t fit into our yoga pants.
So here are just a few of the hard places in the hood known as Kendall and what you may find if you venture there. Be ware.
Be ware.
Super Wheels Skating Center
Every generation will judge you here if you don’t come correct: The teens making TikToks and sneering at your skinny jeans, the moms from the ’90s trying to be cool and act excited when they hear a Bad Bunny song even though the most recent music on their Spotify account is Dr. Dre’s “Nuthin’ but a G Thang.”
Indian Hammocks Park
The ongoing skirmishes in the bloody, decades-long conflict between the feral cats and the marauding raccoons over garbage continue unabated at this recreation area. Woe to the innocent soul who finds himself in the middle.
The love lock bridge at the Palms at Town & Country
There are so many locks on this bridge it could collapse at any time, sending onlookers headfirst into six inches of water filled with pennies and bird poop (which we admit is somewhat safer than falling into the Snapper Creek Canal)
The Snapper Creek Canal
Who knows what lurks in the depths with the iguanas and the used condom wrappers?
Kendall Ice Arena
People skate on sharpened blades at this frigid palace of doom, foot knives that can swiftly be turned into weapons should a fight break out over the Miami Heat’s starting five. Or you could fall on the ice, get cold and scrape a hole in your pants and have to brave the returns line at TJ Maxx, where carnage will surely ensue.
Arcade Odyssey
At this “beercade,” they will pour you a craft brew then proceed to kick your butt at every arcade game you thought you had mastered from Pong to Galaga. Their derision will taste more bitter than that IPA you’re drinking.
ZooMiami
There are wild animals in this place, and they are not playing. The giraffes will give you the stink eye if you dare to trespass off the carefully maintained pathways, and the meerkats are already plotting to unseat the Kendall mayor, who is a raccoon.
Any body of water with ducks on it
The ducks of Kendall are legendary in their disdain for human life. They will knife a gator in a heartbeat. They will stare you down, cigarette in beak, demanding stale popcorn, which is hard to come by in Kendall now that Dandy Bear has closed.
This story was originally published April 6, 2022 10:45 AM.
Connie Ogle loves wine, books and the Miami Heat. Please don’t make her eat a mango.
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